Thursday, November 11, 2010
Learning & Growing
I am so ready to not be lonely anymore! I don't mind being alone - I actually enjoy it most of the time, but I hate being lonely! I wasn't lonely before this desire for companionship & love & cherishing & sharing came roaring back a few months ago. I was fine being alone - not having a life outside my kids & my job - I had adjusted & gotten used to it - was actually happy with it. I am not the type of person to really want to make an effort with or for someone all the time - a bit selfish I know - but after 30 years of constantly being told I don't measure up to my partner's standards & that I constantly fail at even the smallest things because he doesn't like the way it was done I guess being able to be myself without criticism is really an important thing. But all of a sudden I am yearning for a companion - one that is non-judgmental, accepting of me for me, not possessive or manipulative or controlling. So because of this yearning, I now feel lonely - which I thought I had left behind me. Guess the Goddess knows best & wants me to have real love for a change. I am open to it from whomever but wish it would hurry up & get here. I am a bit impatient for this - it would be a great Yule present from the Goddess to bring love into my life - and healing too. Sharing real love would be so healing for me - after a lifetime spent having to measure up to everyone's expectations it would be nice to be with someone that accepts me as I am but also helps me to grow to be better -
I spent my youth living up to the expectations of my parents - striving to be the perfect preacher's daughter, not causing any problems or rebelling - just being the perfect example of a Christian young lady. I can remember before vacations visiting extended family that I had to watch how I behaved because of who my father was. I needed to set a good example for my cousins & their friends; I had to set a good example with the kids in my church youth groups & my school classes (always private). I knew without a doubt that love from my parents, church members & everyone else in my life was the result of how I acted - if I measured up to their expectations. And of course my parents expectations were always linked to God & his scriptures - so I knew that love from God depended on my ability to measure up to His expectations too. Obviously I grew up to be very performance oriented. I also grew up desperately needing approval & striving to get it because that is what I equated with love.
Then I married someone that had his own expectations & didn't really know what a wife was supposed to be, other than a possession to be controlled. A man that thought that as long as he provided for me & my kids he was a good husband & should be considered perfect. He didn't understand that there also had to emotional & spiritual intimacy as well as physical. He didn't understand that women & children are not possessions there to make him look good for society, but are to be cherished & loved. His idea of showing love was providing for my material needs & physical needs (though that was never completely fulfilled). He never took into account my emotional & spiritual needs. But I had to fulfill his expectations in every way - I had to be exactly what he expected or he would turn verbally abusive. I couldn't show him up in any way - I definitely couldn't make more money or be smarter - and of course, his manual labor jobs were much harder & more difficult than my office jobs - he was always more tired than me, because of course all I did was sit behind a desk & play with papers - my work could be put on the back burner for his - my plans, my friends, my family were never to be placed before his - he had to control me all the time -
Now I think I am ready for a different type of love - one that is willing to love who I am now & who I am becoming - one that will grow with me & support me & cherish me & nurture me & not judge me before knowing me - one that will accept this same kind of love in return. And I don't think I can get this from a man - and I don't want to get it from a man - this is one of those things that I am learning about myself - that I was not meant to be heterosexual, but homosexual. My feelings for my best friends have always been more like love for a partner/spouse than a friend - they will tell you that I am very protective & nurturing - I always seemed to be more emotionally involved than they did - and I couldn't figure out why! My sheltered life - didn't have any idea what I was & followed all the expectations of those around me -
Oh, well - I am learning & growing & becoming 'me' for real - excited to see the continuing results but am also impatient for the one that I can share it with -
I spent my youth living up to the expectations of my parents - striving to be the perfect preacher's daughter, not causing any problems or rebelling - just being the perfect example of a Christian young lady. I can remember before vacations visiting extended family that I had to watch how I behaved because of who my father was. I needed to set a good example for my cousins & their friends; I had to set a good example with the kids in my church youth groups & my school classes (always private). I knew without a doubt that love from my parents, church members & everyone else in my life was the result of how I acted - if I measured up to their expectations. And of course my parents expectations were always linked to God & his scriptures - so I knew that love from God depended on my ability to measure up to His expectations too. Obviously I grew up to be very performance oriented. I also grew up desperately needing approval & striving to get it because that is what I equated with love.
Then I married someone that had his own expectations & didn't really know what a wife was supposed to be, other than a possession to be controlled. A man that thought that as long as he provided for me & my kids he was a good husband & should be considered perfect. He didn't understand that there also had to emotional & spiritual intimacy as well as physical. He didn't understand that women & children are not possessions there to make him look good for society, but are to be cherished & loved. His idea of showing love was providing for my material needs & physical needs (though that was never completely fulfilled). He never took into account my emotional & spiritual needs. But I had to fulfill his expectations in every way - I had to be exactly what he expected or he would turn verbally abusive. I couldn't show him up in any way - I definitely couldn't make more money or be smarter - and of course, his manual labor jobs were much harder & more difficult than my office jobs - he was always more tired than me, because of course all I did was sit behind a desk & play with papers - my work could be put on the back burner for his - my plans, my friends, my family were never to be placed before his - he had to control me all the time -
Now I think I am ready for a different type of love - one that is willing to love who I am now & who I am becoming - one that will grow with me & support me & cherish me & nurture me & not judge me before knowing me - one that will accept this same kind of love in return. And I don't think I can get this from a man - and I don't want to get it from a man - this is one of those things that I am learning about myself - that I was not meant to be heterosexual, but homosexual. My feelings for my best friends have always been more like love for a partner/spouse than a friend - they will tell you that I am very protective & nurturing - I always seemed to be more emotionally involved than they did - and I couldn't figure out why! My sheltered life - didn't have any idea what I was & followed all the expectations of those around me -
Oh, well - I am learning & growing & becoming 'me' for real - excited to see the continuing results but am also impatient for the one that I can share it with -
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