Tuesday, April 19, 2011
Mo
For some reason, Mo has been on my mind lately - a lot. Mo was a friend I had several years ago - before marriage, kids, etc. She was a college student when I first met her at church, and being counseled by my father. Her father had passed when she was young - she was the baby of the family & he had his first heart attack before she was even born. Today, I think she would be diagnosed as bi-polar, but that wasn't the main issue in her life.
At one point, Mo & I shared a house. She was a major sleepwalker - many nights I would find the front door open & Mo down the street in her pajamas, sound asleep. I took her keys - she still found a way out. Daddy stopped counseling her, didn't want me to live with her - my mom said it was because she was using me to get to Dad. I now realize that was not the whole truth.
My memories of that time have been flooding back in dreams, during the day, weird times. I have figured that I blocked them because I couldn't admit the truth of them to myself - it went against everything I was taught & believed in (at that time). But these memories have definitely explained a few things to me -
Mo was a lesbian. That is why my dad stopped counseling her - because she wouldn't change. I know that it was frustrating for her. My dad had been telling her for a long time that it was sin & couldn't be tolerated. She had to make another choice. She couldn't. She tried hard to block it - she did whatever she could to not deal with it - but she was miserable & depressed.
I have been remembering our times together. She was very jealous of my time spent with my boyfriend (eventually my husband). She was protective of me & I now wish I had listened to her - she told me he wasn't right for me - that I was with him for the wrong reasons (to spite my dad). I have remembered in exquisite details that we often slept together - purportedly to keep her from sleepwalking but it was physically & emotionally intimate. Her mother told me repeatedly how much Mo loved me & how happy I made her. After my time with her, sex with men did nothing for me, but I blocked all this because I was afraid to buck my society & not follow expectations.
And eventually that need to be accepted by my parents caused me to leave her & move in with another friend. My dad insisted that I needed to get away from her (now I know why he was so insistent). I also now know the reason that my folks were willing to accept K.D. as my husband since he was so anti-everything they had wanted for me. I could not bring myself to acknowledge the truth at that time so I moved. Mo quit talking to me & no matter how hard I tried to stay in touch she closed me off. She eventually committed suicide because she could not handle her own truth & I was devastated. I think that was another reason I blocked so much of this out - if I didn't think about it, I wouldn't feel guilty for abandoning her & denying our love. I haven't been that truly intimate with anyone since.
I think this underlying sense of guilt has affected me deeply up to now - because I would not acknowledge her love for me & my love for her - and with her. So now I say it - out loud, in print, to whomever cares to read this - Mo, I love you & I miss you & I thank you for your love & intimacy. I am sorry that I allowed my need for acceptance by others to dictate who I loved, to the point of abandoning you. Please know that you are always in my heart -
At one point, Mo & I shared a house. She was a major sleepwalker - many nights I would find the front door open & Mo down the street in her pajamas, sound asleep. I took her keys - she still found a way out. Daddy stopped counseling her, didn't want me to live with her - my mom said it was because she was using me to get to Dad. I now realize that was not the whole truth.
My memories of that time have been flooding back in dreams, during the day, weird times. I have figured that I blocked them because I couldn't admit the truth of them to myself - it went against everything I was taught & believed in (at that time). But these memories have definitely explained a few things to me -
Mo was a lesbian. That is why my dad stopped counseling her - because she wouldn't change. I know that it was frustrating for her. My dad had been telling her for a long time that it was sin & couldn't be tolerated. She had to make another choice. She couldn't. She tried hard to block it - she did whatever she could to not deal with it - but she was miserable & depressed.
I have been remembering our times together. She was very jealous of my time spent with my boyfriend (eventually my husband). She was protective of me & I now wish I had listened to her - she told me he wasn't right for me - that I was with him for the wrong reasons (to spite my dad). I have remembered in exquisite details that we often slept together - purportedly to keep her from sleepwalking but it was physically & emotionally intimate. Her mother told me repeatedly how much Mo loved me & how happy I made her. After my time with her, sex with men did nothing for me, but I blocked all this because I was afraid to buck my society & not follow expectations.
And eventually that need to be accepted by my parents caused me to leave her & move in with another friend. My dad insisted that I needed to get away from her (now I know why he was so insistent). I also now know the reason that my folks were willing to accept K.D. as my husband since he was so anti-everything they had wanted for me. I could not bring myself to acknowledge the truth at that time so I moved. Mo quit talking to me & no matter how hard I tried to stay in touch she closed me off. She eventually committed suicide because she could not handle her own truth & I was devastated. I think that was another reason I blocked so much of this out - if I didn't think about it, I wouldn't feel guilty for abandoning her & denying our love. I haven't been that truly intimate with anyone since.
I think this underlying sense of guilt has affected me deeply up to now - because I would not acknowledge her love for me & my love for her - and with her. So now I say it - out loud, in print, to whomever cares to read this - Mo, I love you & I miss you & I thank you for your love & intimacy. I am sorry that I allowed my need for acceptance by others to dictate who I loved, to the point of abandoning you. Please know that you are always in my heart -
6 comments:
Cameron said...
I am sitting here with tears running down my face. I am speechless and trying to find words. I knew and loved Mo too, very much, as a friend...but without being remotely near enough to her to realize the complexity of her situation. Oh, Jo...*hugs* And I'll tell you something else this explains. The silence that fell around her death. The rumors that got to me were that she was on medication and overdosed, perhaps accidentally. But always said with judgement. With scorn. With the intimitation that there was more to it. And JP was the worst. JP was bitter, and harsh. Contemptuous. Which I could NOT square with the situation as explained to me...I couldn't figure it out. We were all friends. I think JP *knew*. Since when was anything in that damn church a secret for those in "position to know", and whoever they deigned to tell? It makes me furious! It would completely explain JP's reaction to the hilt. I doubt JP knew about you and Mo together, but I do think that she knew that Mo was a lesbian. Does it explain anything of how JP related to you, maybe? I just know that when I came back to Greenville you were gone, and JP was not particularly charitable about Mo and not talking about it. And it didn't square up. Not at all.
Mo, I loved you too. Your friendship was so kind, the music you played, coming to the hospital to see me when i had surgery...the incredible musical talent you shared with us. I am sorry I did not know you well enough to be there for you. I am sorry for what happened to you in the church. Someday, there are many who will answer for the lack of "Christian love" and foulness done in the name of the church...your death was a tragedy, and now that I know the truth of it, I wish I had known more, I wish with all my heart I had been there for you.
You too Jo. I should have been a better friend. I am so glad our friendship has been renewed. Thanks for sharing this. It solves many things I had unresolved aching questions about, and had despaired of ever finding an answer to. Its painful, but its good at least to know the truth. I am so GLAD you are coming into who and what you are meant to be. Blessed be!
Mo, I loved you too. Your friendship was so kind, the music you played, coming to the hospital to see me when i had surgery...the incredible musical talent you shared with us. I am sorry I did not know you well enough to be there for you. I am sorry for what happened to you in the church. Someday, there are many who will answer for the lack of "Christian love" and foulness done in the name of the church...your death was a tragedy, and now that I know the truth of it, I wish I had known more, I wish with all my heart I had been there for you.
You too Jo. I should have been a better friend. I am so glad our friendship has been renewed. Thanks for sharing this. It solves many things I had unresolved aching questions about, and had despaired of ever finding an answer to. Its painful, but its good at least to know the truth. I am so GLAD you are coming into who and what you are meant to be. Blessed be!
Cameron said...
I am thinking about doing a blog post about Mo myself...is there any part of this you would prefer I did not mention or divulge?
Cameron said...
You know...I am getting madder and madder over here. Your parents, hating the man you married, knowing that he was wrong for you and the heartbreak that was going to lay up for you, accepted your marrying him, because at least if you married him - married any warm male body with a penis - you weren't a *gasp* lesbian. Oh. Dear. Gods. It just gets worse and worse. More hugs. I feel like my brain is on fire.
Jo L. said...
No, I don't care whether you reveal anything from here - I posted this over at FB on Dm - I think that Mo told JP, as a friend - and knowing how JP reacts to things like that, I think she rejected Mo, just as she did me when I told her about my abortion. JP told me once that I was the reason for Mo's death because I had turned away from her - I wonder now if she was projecting her own guilt on me. Mo had had so much rejection in her life - her father's death when she was young, friends that didn't accept her, my dad who was a father figure, me, then JP - maybe that was the last one that she could take - no one seemed to accept her as she was. Her family loved her but didn't know what to do with her - everyone wanted her to be something she couldn't -
It is rather maddening - I was just thinking about all the damage that church/denomination has done to people over the years because of their hard-heartedness & lack of compassion & letter of the law stance - in one breath the OT has been voided by Jesus' life & sacrifice, but we are going to obey those hard rules anyway - just in case
It is rather maddening - I was just thinking about all the damage that church/denomination has done to people over the years because of their hard-heartedness & lack of compassion & letter of the law stance - in one breath the OT has been voided by Jesus' life & sacrifice, but we are going to obey those hard rules anyway - just in case
Cameron said...
It really defines spiritual abuse. And its not about "just in case". Its about power. Its about, if you drop the old Testament judgement and live like Christ did, truly as He did, then that authoritarian patriarchal power evaporates. You can't just lord it over people, telling them what to do, safe in rigid structures that protect your power base. You have to get dirt on your hands, feed people, touch people, listen to them, accept them, care for them and be among them, equal with them, or even serving them. Jesus' harshest words were for the established patriarchal church of the day - his greatest fury over the greed and abuse of the money lenders desecrating the temple. Not the poor, the needy, the outcasts. But oh no, thats just "social gospel" and we must never indulge in such a thing. ARGHHHHH! I vow with my last breath to live my life to correct and heal the damage done in the name of God...and may that be a worthy memorial for all who fell like Mo to the evil done in the name of God. Is it suicide when they drive and hound you to it, until you snap? Murder might be a better word...unprovable though it is. And Jo, remember, you blame yourself, but you were still barely more than a kid, confused and struggling, with the entire weight of the church and your parents coming down on you like an avalanche. You were a victim caught in the situation too. Let the debt for this rest where it belongs...the church and the hypocrisy it preached.
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