Opaque Tights

It has been years, I think more than 15, since I have put on a pair of pantyhose. It has been about 10 years since I have worn a dress. For some strange reason, I decided to get a dress & opaque tights this weekend. The dress I like. The opaque tights are a different story.

Now to make sure you understand where I am coming from, keep in mind that I am a zaftig woman & not just a little bit. I am also 50. And one more thing to remember, my bed is rather high, even for me.

Well, I took the wrapping off  my tights, pulled the cardboard thing out of it, and shook them out. I was a bit excited just thinking that I would be stylish again! First off, there are two seams on one side & one seam on the other. I sat on the edge of my bed for 5 minutes trying to figure out front & back. The cotton crotch didn't help much - it was squared off on one end & pointed on the other. I finally just picked a side & went to putting them on.

I gathered the right leg up & put my toes in it and pulled it up to mid-calf. Then I tried to gather the left leg up & struggled to keep my seat on the edge of the bed so I was kind of hopping a little bit. Got it on my foot  without falling over & then proceeded to pull it up. Of course, it was twisted, so off it came & I tried again. This time it was ok and then I alternated pulling the legs up. They started feeling tight right above the knees but I persisted until it was time to pull the waistband over the belly.

Now these are, of course, tummy control tights. Can't have that belly flopping around too much! So I got the waistband about halfway up & it stuck a bit. When I let go it started rolling back down. Oh, no, you don't! I grabbed hold and pulled. They fought back hard but after inventing a few new cuss words & getting in my leg & cardio exercises for the week, I got them pulled up. Deep breathing ensued as I tried to hitch them around enough to not feel too constricted. Not too bad, I thought.

But, because I wasn't sure that the control was enough for my tummy, I decided to pull on an old pair of Spanx Power Panties to help. Those things do not slide over opaque tights too easy, just to let you know. Another few minutes of jumping up & down & swearing & I got those on & over the belly. Whew! Now my tummy wasn't jiggling too much & I had those suckers on & just knew they weren't going anywhere until I decided they would. Yeah, right!

All day I have done nothing but pull the legs up, pull the waistbands up, & not go to the bathroom! I don't think this old building I work in could take the aerobics of me trying to pull them down & then get them back over the belly again!

I have managed to bring some laughter to many lives today with the tale of me & the tights, so I guess they're good for something. But I will say this, I will never wear these torture devices again! I will keep them in my drawer just to say I have them in my wardrobe, but never again will they go on this bod.